nKurEdge

I’ve had many gracious emails, phone calls, and notes from those who were concerned about me, and our whole family, celebrating Thanksgiving last week without Lois. I appreciate the concern, notes of encouragement, prayer and love that people continue to extend to our whole family. It is yet another example of the “body of Christ” living together and gives me the opportunity to share my personal experience of Thanksgiving 2009.

First, giving thanks was not difficult – just different. I found myself thanking God for what Lois is no longer dealing with. No more Chemo infusions! The Chemo “cold” with its dripping nose and clogged sinuses is gone. The neuropathy – the constant tingling in her hands and feet – has ended and the microwave is no longer heating up a rice bag every hour. There’s no more gradual hair loss to contend with, no more CT scans, no port to flush and keep clean, no need to sort a score of pill bottles. No more pain.

Second, spending time with the whole family was not a constant reminder that Lois was not there – just different. We all gathered at Joy and Tony’s house – all 29 of us! It was great fun to try to polish off enough food for 50 people. The kids had fun together and the adults sat around and talked for hours. Lois did enter the conversation at times but not in a mournful way. Instead, there were comments of fond memories.

Third, I didn’t experience any intense loneliness – just a different sense that I no longer had a partner to share with. I didn’t find that disconcerting or troubling but found a different kind of freedom. I arrived at Joy’s house when I felt like it – didn’t check with anyone about the schedule – and I left when I wanted to and didn’t wait for Lois to finish dishes or a conversation or . . .

Did I miss Lois? Yes, of course. But I am committed to trusting God more than I miss my wife. And I remember that Thanksgiving is about Him not me. So I join with David who praised the Lord with these words:

"Praise be to you, O LORD, God of our father Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name.” (1 Chronicles 29:10-13)

nKurEdge

I miss celebrating Thanksgiving twice a year! From 1995 to 2004 I helped and taught at the Venture Teams Training Camp in Alberta, Canada and almost every year managed to schedule those 10 day trips to include the second Monday of October – Canadian Thanksgiving. Then, the end of November, we had Thanksgiving American style. (Lois enjoyed that with me in 2001when Kari was a VTI team member.)

I’ve often wondered if, as Christ followers, we need to celebrate Thanksgiving more often. Not necessarily the way it’s done the end of November (or the second Monday of October) but at a different time and with more intent to move away from the idolatry of Thanksgiving. Consider the implications of the idols we celebrate now by looking at our priorities: Family, food, football, and shopping.

The way we spend our time, energy and money is very revealing and should cause us to stop and ask if we have allowed idols to creep in and spring up. Like you, I have already seen the blog and facebook posts about being thankful for our freedom, churches, homes, etc., and I agree we should give thanks for that. And, I also think we should be thankful for our families, the sagging tables of food, the relaxation of watching and/or playing football and maybe even for shopping. But let’s be careful to direct our most effusive and heartfelt thanksgiving for God. He is the object of our gratefulness. He alone is worthy of praise and honor and glory and power.

We are reminded that God has poured out on us His mercy –forgiveness we could never earn and which none of us ever deserves; His grace which knows no end and ultimately provides us with families and food and homes. James teaches us that God is the giver of every good and perfect gift. (James 1:17)

In Hebrews 12:28-29 we read, “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, ²⁹for our "God is a consuming fire.”” No New Testament writer refers to the Old Testament without purpose so we are compelled to look at Deuteronomy 4:23-24, “Be careful not to forget the covenant of the LORD your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the LORD your God has forbidden. ²⁴ For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.”

In our Thanksgiving we must be careful to deal with the idols that so easily crowd out the supreme object of our worship: God.

I am grateful for all those who have sent greetings encouraging me. I’ve received text messages, emails, Facebook notes and phone calls from many who are rightfully concerned about this Thanksgiving as the first holiday without Lois. I’m certain her absence will be felt more acutely than I am prepared for. In the middle of family, food and football the greatest priority will be keeping the eyes of my heart and mind centered on the Worthy One.

nKurEdge

This post is not intended to offend anyone. It was written on Wednesday, September 9 – just two days prior to Lois’ death. Until now I really wasn’t comfortable posting it.

Tuesday I received an email from someone I know on a professional basis – or, to use churchy terminology, a “brother in the Lord.” We’ve really never had one of those heart-to-heart conversations that create true friendship – but we know each other. He is somewhat annoyed with me but after reading this agreed to let me post it.

The email opened with, “When I was in my prayer closet this morning, God revealed something just for you.” This is not a particularly bad thing. The writer establishes, up front, that what is about to be shared is from God just for me. That’s a claim that’s difficult to argue over. And no argument would be necessary if what came next was a quote from the Word of God. After all, everything in the Bible is from God and I believe it’s very possible for God to show one person something in the Word that is appropriate (or even life-saving) to be shared with someone else. Isn’t that what pastors are called to do week after week as we open the Word of God to “teach and admonish?”

I would have been grateful for a Psalm or Proverb or something of encouragement from one of the many promise filled passages of God’s Word. But that’s not what the writer shared. Instead “God told” this writer to tell me that I should take Lois to a clinic in another country that specializes in using an extract from horse urine to cure colon cancer. (Well, not exactly horse urine, but . . .)

To make sure everyone understands: Lois and I looked into numerous alternative medicine treatment options. We seriously considered some but in the end we made decisions based on a number of factors: 1) We prayed and waited on the Lord for direction. 2) The advice from our most trusted friends and advisors confirmed the direction we felt God provided us personally. 3) All of us, at different locations and a various times spread out over several days, arrived at the same Biblical narrative which we all felt confirmed the mutually agreed upon decisions.

So, what I am to think and how should I react when someone writes, “God told me to tell you?” Now that I’ve laid out the ground work, I have some questions. I’ve already asked the email writer to respond and now I’d appreciate your response to the following:

1. Why would God talk to you about me but not speak to me? Does this somehow suggest that something is wrong with my spiritual walk? (Of course, that’s very possible!)

2. Why would God choose to speak to you and not to my trusted friends whose advice and counsel has proven Biblical, insightful and correct for over 20 years? Would God leave these advisor/friends in the dark?

3. Of even greater concern, why would God tell you one thing and me and my advisor/friends something different? Does God bring confusion?

4. What is the Biblical basis for the right to be extra-Biblical?

5. Is there a point at which any of us “cross the line” when we claim “God revealed” something? If so, where is the line?

Please post your responses. I am open to reprimand, correction, criticism, or even agreement but would like some dialogue on this subject.

nKurEdge

Do you ever find yourself wishing that life were different? I’ve caught myself doing this lately! But I’m learning that while it may not be possible for all of our outward circumstances to improve to make life better, it is possible for the quality of our inner life to change so dramatically that we begin to experience life as it was meant to be.

The apostle Paul was a great example of this principle. In Acts 16 we see Paul and Silas in prison, singing! I have often wondered why more people do not experience that level of inner tranquility that would allow them to sing praises to God even in the most horrendous circumstances. (First-century prisons would make twenty-first century prisons look like luxury hotels by comparison!)

Paul’s New Testament writings reveal an ability to live a victorious life in spite of the most severe outward circumstances. He encourages Christians in spite of his own hardships-like being shipwrecked, going hungry, and being publicly stoned and even imprisoned. What an amazing attitude he received from the Lord.

Ephesians 3:14-21 encourages us to experience the victorious life that Christ made possible. “¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵from whom his whole family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!”

Heavenly Father we thank you for the gift of Christ and praise you for making it possible for us to experience the fullness of Christ through the presence of the Holy Spirit. Keep our minds and hearts focused on you. Give us courage to welcome the transforming power of the Holy Spirit especially when that means significant change. Give us eyes to see and ears to hear. And help us to be doers of the Word! Amen.

nKurEdge

At the conference this morning, our worship leader read Job 1:13-20 and then led us in singing Matt Redman’s song, Blessed Be Your Name, which was written based on the passage from Job. As we sang and the tears streamed down my face I realized it was time to share what I journaled on Sunday night, September 13 – two days after Lois died. What follows is what I wrote when I was by myself – no one else in the house – just me sitting in front of a blank screen with Matt Redman’s lyrics going though my mind. I added some comments today which are indicated with { }.

Oh God, this pain is almost too much. Lois is gone. I know she is with You; no more cancer, no more neuropathy, no more nausea but she isn’t here with me. I am grateful that she didn’t suffer for a long time; that this wasn’t a long, drawn out death, but Lois isn’t here anymore! I keep thinking about all the things we still wanted to do; all the conversations we planned to have with our kids and others, and the churches we wanted to visit together one last time . . . {While driving home from the hospital on Aug 19 we made a list of priorities for what we thought would be at least four months. The Dr’s prognosis was two to six months so we thought four months was a good guess.}

Father, I don’t have any regrets but is it wrong for me to want more? Am I being too selfish to want to hold her hand, to hear her voice, to have one more opportunity to make her a cup of hot chocolate or warm up a rice bag? I really do want to be able to sing this song but I keep thinking about Job – his material things were taken away – we have very little and I can’t relate. His children and their spouses and, I assume, his grandchildren were all taken away and I can’t imagine the pain that would cause, but he still had his wife. Is it wrong for me to complain that I have it worse than Job? {When I read this now – six weeks later – I am amazed at God’s patience with me!}

Lord, Job could still praise you after he lost so much. I need to praise you again. Lord, I feel like I’m in the desert; the wilderness. I’m very aware that the pain of this grief will be yet another journey; another adventure. I’m torn. On the one hand I want you to take the pain away and yet I can’t bear the thought of NOT grieving; of not having this sorrow.

So Father, help me say it – even if its with clenched teeth and tight fists – help me say it and mean it:

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Blessed Be Your Name

by Matt Redman

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say…
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say…
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

Lois, nKurEdge

Have you ever been the victim of well-intentioned people who, in a time of grief, their hand on your shoulder and say, “Give it time, you’ll get over it.” I know they mean well and I understand that with the passage of time the moments of grief grow farther apart and, in some ways less intense, but how does one “get over” a thirty-four year marriage?

Lois died on September 11 and I am now doing the work of grieving. We were the closest of friends; she was my main advisor, and a trusted confidant. We were lovers and parents, teachers and leaders who shared values and priorities, pain and happiness, failure and success. We were partners who could talk for hours but be just as comfortable being quiet as long as we were together. In the 12,435 days which made up the years of our relationship there were only 67 days when we didn’t at least talk on the phone and those were times when I was in a foreign country where telephone service wasn’t available. Yes, I took the time to calculate the number. It’s part of the work of grieving for me.

How does one “get over” the absence of someone so close? I would be embarrassed to admit how many times the past few weeks I’ve had to stop myself from doing something ridiculous. I will share that numerous times I’ve ended a phone call and started to dial Lois’ phone to tell her about the “crazy call I just had!” Or, I’ve received an email and started up the steps to tell Lois who just sent a note. Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up wondering why Lois isn’t in bed only to remember . . .

Working through all this is the tough work of grief. It’s not bad work and I’m not depressed or discouraged with the on-going task of grieving but I suspect that it would be easy to ignore the task and hope I “get over it.”

Losing a loved one does not mean the rest of us stop living. Nor does it mean we ignore that someone very significant has died. The tough work of grief drives us to God who guides and comforts us. Only God can begin to fill the void in our lives. Anything else we turn to fails to speak to the grief.

In the middle of sadness and loss there is ample evidence of God. That confirmation comes from the Bible in passages like Psalm 31 and Isaiah 51 and 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18. There are also books that help us in this tough work. I find two especially helpful: “Good Grief” by Granger E. Westburg published by Augsburg, and “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser published by Zondervan.

God calls us to acknowledge that He is in control of everything – even the death of a loved one. The sadness and loss we experience is part of the fabric of life. Embracing the tough work of grief is part of His plan and, ultimately, its satisfying work.

What about you? How are you coping with the tough work of grieving in your life? Maybe you’ve lost a job or had a marriage end in divorce or experienced the failure of a business. All of us will be touched in some way by sadness and loss because we live in a broken, fallen world where bad things happen to good people. Grief comes to us in many forms and working through that grief is one of life’s most rewarding challenges.

Jesus said, "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for? Matthew 16:23-25 The Message

Other Authors, nKurEdge

God speaks: “I’m the One comforting you.  What are you afraid of—or who? Have you forgotten me, God, who made you, who unfurled the skies, who founded the earth? For I am God, your very own God, who stirs up the sea and whips up the waves; my name is God-of-the-Angel-Armies. I teach you how to talk, word by word, and personally watch over you, even while I’m unfurling the skies, and setting earth on solid foundations." From Isaiah 51, The Message.

Yesterday we buried the bones and skin in which Lois lived her earthly life. I think the hardest part was holding my grandchildren above the casket and explaining that their BaBa was not sleeping; she wouldn’t wake up; this was just the skin she wore on earth. The real BaBa is gone – but not forever. The oldest two struggled to understand. The young ones picked up candy and tried to put it in the casket with Lois – who knows how many pieces ended up in there!

Then, after the immediate family members had opportunity to see the body, the casket was closed. The two oldest boys, Brady and Broc, helped me and Peter, Tony, Jeremy, John, and Richard carry the casket to the coach and again from the coach to the graveside. There is something about the physical work of grieving – whether it is in travel, or cleaning, or carrying the casket, we all embrace the toil of grief.

We gathered around the grave and Frosty led us in a uncomplicated service of Scripture and prayer as we recognized that we were created from dust and to dust we return. But we rejoice in the reality that as Followers of Jesus we are not limited by physical bodies; we are first and foremost, spirit – made in God’s image – and “to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.” (2Cor 5:8)

Even as we shed tears of sorrow, Lois is in the eternal, everlasting, non-stop, 24-7 worship where all of creation bows before the Throne of the God of all that is and shouts and sings, “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor, and glory, and power, forever and ever!” Amen!

Now we are preparing to gather for our own worship service. Oh, we know we cannot hope to duplicate what is going on in God’s throne room right now, but we’ll do our best. We will remember Lois but mostly we’ll remember the life of Christ in Lois. And we will worship God!

Other Authors, nKurEdge

All day today I’ve been coming back to Ps 90. The first couple of verses keep echoing in my mind. Even when I visited my Mom late this afternoon and prayed with her, I found myself praying using the phrases, “from everlasting to everlasting,” and “God, you’ve taken care of us from the beginning.”

As we plan the details of the Celebration of Life service on Saturday, I keep reminding myself – and anyone else within earshot – this is a worship service where we honor Lois by focusing on the life of Christ in Lois. This is about God who numbered Lois’ days on earth before the mountains were even born! We will worship the Lord who created the universe, the stars, the earth, and all of us! Just as life begins in the mind of God before conception ever occurs, life comes to an end only if and when God allows that to happen. If He has the hairs on our head numbered, then he knows the exact number of times our hearts will beat; the total times we will take a breath.

I woke up this morning full of anticipation: what will God do today? In what ways will He reveal Himself today? How will He allow me to lead our family into a greater appreciation of His presence, comfort, hope, and peace? Please don’t misunderstand this, I certainly didn’t want Lois to die but I also wouldn’t have missed this experience.

Lois and I had several conversations about the cyclical nature of our relationship with God. It seems when God allows difficult times, tough stuff, to come into our lives that those are times when we experience spiritual “growth spurts.” It’s so easy to miss these learning opportunities. I recall talking about this on our anniversary in August. Lois and I looked back on the 34 years we had together and speculated about times when things were tough and wondered if we missed some of what God was showing us or teaching us. We don’t pretend to have done everything right! Not even close! But we were convinced that God was in the middle and, not only that, but in front and behind us.

A dear friend called today and talked about how short Lois’s life was. I reminded her that it wasn’t as short as some but that in the grand scheme of things all life is short. Try this: blink your eyes twice. Which blink was the shortest? It’s hard to tell, isn’t it? Those two blinks are like two lives – one short and the other long. But in God’s timeframe there is little difference. After all, if a thousand years is like a day or even a watch in the night, our lives are but a blink in God’s grand plan. And yet He cares about you and me. He comforts and shields and protects, from everlasting to everlasting.

Just a reminder: There will be a special Celebration of Life service at Northgate Alliance Church in Ottumwa, IA on Saturday, September 19 at 1:30 pm. The family will receive friends and visitors both prior to the service beginning at Noon and following the service. There will be a private graveside service to lay the body to rest on Friday afternoon. The family requests that, in lieu of flowers, donations be directed to the Pekin Ministerial Association, 205 W 4^th, Packwood, IA 52580 or Keokuk County Hospice, 420 N. Main St., Sigourney, IA 52591.

Other Authors, nKurEdge

Lois Jean Eschenbrenner completed life’s journey on Friday, September 11 at 11:50 am when she died peacefully at home.

There will be a special Celebration of Life service at Northgate Alliance Church in Ottumwa, IA on Saturday, September 19 at 1:30 pm. The family will receive friends and visitors both prior to the service beginning at Noon and following the service. There will be a family only graveside service to lay the body to rest at Brooks Cemetery with Rev. Frosty Van Voorst officiating.

The family requests that, in lieu of flowers, donations be directed to the Pekin Ministerial Association, 205 W 4^th, Packwood, IA 52580 or Keokuk County Hospice, 420 N. Main St., Sigourney, IA 52591.

Lois

Lois’ journey is almost complete. I am confident she can see the rest and glory waiting her. We are praying Psalm 116:1-7:

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he or he heard my heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me;
       I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!"
The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.

Last night Joy, Peter, Kari and I gathered around Lois to pray for her and for each other. As each one of us prayed, we were reminded that the Lord is gracious, full of compassion, overflowing with goodness. What an awesome privilege to pray together as a family knowing we will all meet again in Glory!

Yesterday it became evident that Lois could no longer swallow pills. When the Doctor was here (yes, we have a Doctor who makes house calls!) he ordered liquid morphine which Lois does not even have to swallow; its absorbed in her cheek. During the night we gave her the morphine about every two hours but her breathing is more labored this morning and we’ve started giving it every hour.

Hospice brought in a hospital bed but the last response we got from Lois yesterday afternoon was that she didn’t want to be moved. She is still on the couch. There has been no measurable urine output since Wednesday evening and her muscles have more tremors due to the increased toxicity.

I can remember several times over the years, during a President’s final days in office, when there was a lot of talk about building a legacy. A genuine legacy can never be purposefully built or earned or bought. Authentic legacies are bestowed by the people whose lives have been impacted. Last night, when Lois’ children gathered around her and prayed with thoughtful, selfless, meaningful words, the priceless legacy was evident.

Even though we all went to sleep knowing Lois might graduate to eternity before we woke, there was peace and understanding and confidence. Our hope is in the Lord.

Now we are waiting for the final breath. It could come at any time or take a while but we know our time with Lois in this world is measured by hours. Pray with us that the end would come quickly. Pray with us, “Lois, be at rest once more, the rest that comes to your soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

Lois